12/22/05
Now...what
I am about to say may surprise you! Please, forgive me if I offend
you...I tend to piss people off alot...but here it goes!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Yes, Merry Christmas. Not Merry
Fucking Christmas, or Happy Holidays, or Merry X-mas...But just
plain ole' Merry Christmas. You see, I LOVE CHRISTMAS.
Why? It definately isn't because of receiving presents, because I usually
get the crappiest, cheapest, shittiest presents ever. I love Christmas
because I can give. I am allowed to shop, shop, shop, and give, give,
give, and force everyone to get together, and behave. This season
is the best season!
Now, for those of you who hate
Christmas, and everything involved with it, I have a couple of suggestions to
help you get though it with a smile on your face.
1. DON'T Leave your
house. Roads and shopping areas become highly congested around the
holidays.
2. SHOP in January. By shopping in January
you hit all the after Christmas sales,
and avoid the masses of people.
3. HAVE you heard of the
internet? Shopping online is GREAT!!! You can compare prices at a
hundred places at once, avoid lines, assholes, and arrests!
4. DON'T let the little
stuff bother you. If someone does something to piss you off, just sit back and laugh
at how pathetic they are. If they can't get a rise out of you, it will
piss them even more then a fist in their face, and then they don't have a
reason to press charges.
5. IF your family is
insane, and just absolute nut jobs, consider spending time away during the
holidays. If an expensive getaway to a tropical paradise is not in your
budget, consider the local psych ward. They feed you three meals a day,
and give you your very own security. I know they don't have open bars
like the all inclusive resorts, but if you can fake a little temper tantrum you
can have a cocktail and a nice padded room to pass out in.
Now, Santa has to go to
work. Merry Christmas, and Hard to Remember New Year's!
12/2/05
Have you ever a feeling in your stomach that you didn't like? Have you
ever donw something, even though you know it's not the right thing to do?
Doesn't it suck?
Anyhow, I'm
leaving for Mexico in about 30 hours. Don't worry, I'll have a great
time! Don't forget to get me something for Christmas!
11/16/05?
Hey!
Make sure you check the BULLETIN BOARD for key, important information and
Anamide's schedule. Please leave some of your thoughts there too.
11/14/05
I am
SOOOOO HAPPY! Life is really good right now! Why? For
many reasons!
I've finally
stopped complaining about our government. It sucks, it always will, and
now, only 36% of the country are still blind and stupid to this president's
incompitency.
I have a
great family. I know, how sappy! But it is true...my kids, my mom, my
hubby, my lil' bro, his woman...everyone! It is so good to have them and
love them and be close to them. Not too many families are as close
as we are. I feel honored that they have all choosen to deal with me and
love me no matter what.
CHRISTMAS is
right around the corner! A perfect excuse to shop.
I'm going to
Mexico with Beth (the closest thing to a best friend that I have),
and Kim (how do I describe Kim....hmmm....wife of my old guitar player,
best friends for a long time with Beth, the best hostess of all the cool
parties, cocreator of beautiful spawn....that should
work.)....even after Wilma originally FUCKED with our plans.
My mom
just celebrated her 51st b-day. Even after a few speed bumps, it
went great! Everyone had fun, memories were made, and we all lived to
tell about it!
Even though I
have a daughter who is diabetic, at least she doesn't have cancer, or a
disease that impacts her mental capacity. She is still a gorgeous, smart,
pain in the butt that I love so dearly.
There are so
many things to be thankful for, and happy about! Yeah, I do like to
complain sometimes....ok!!! ALL THE TIME, but I think it is also
important for everyone to know how happy I am in my own little
bubble. Things outside of my control sometimes have the power of
pissing me off, but that's why we have the first amendment. WE CAN BITCH
ALL WE WANT TO HELP RELIEVE THE STRESS OF IT ALL, SO WE CAN GO BACK TO LOVING
AND DOING THE THINGS WE ENJOY.
Hope you all
can find something to be happy about!
10/10/05
I know....I
hardly write anymore. You can blame "the man" and my inability
to say no to big paychecks.
Anyway....if
you don't have a myspace.com page, YOU NEED ONE! Mine is http://www.myspace.com/odioussoul . GO. Check it out.
9/20/05
My daddy passed on this joke:
President Bush was visiting a primary school and
he visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion relating to words and
their meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on
the word "tragedy."
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy said, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing
in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a
tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would
call
great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the
room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand...
In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was
struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would
be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me
why that
would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it
certainly
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident
either."
9/17/05
Thankyou for your
support of the new picture on the homepage. Less than 12
hours...and sooooo many phone calls and e-mails. If you want to do
something worthwhile, please visit www.moveon.org
. There are alot of petitions you can sign, and worthy things to donate
to. We can make a difference.
Just be glad that
we are the Americans who can still see. There are still many left that
are blind to the pseudo conservative trap. Those who are against things
like abortion, and feel that in order to make it into heaven I must vote idiot...I'm
sorry...I meant republican. Well wake up you damn blind
sheep. Your sheppard will let you DIE!!! Will you be lead into
poverty, all while losing your freedom of speech and privacy, just so you can
feel you made the moral desicion against killing an unborn child? Go
ahead, forgot all of us who are already alive. Maybe if things continue
the way they are going, I'll start regretting MY mom didn't abort me!
ANYHOW, there are
tons of other things I'd like to say, but with BUSH CREATIONS like the Patriot
Act, I'm actually kind of scared to say some of them. You see, if I
write something that might seem terroristic here...on my website...the
federal government could come into my home, destroy everything
I own in search of some incriminating piece of evidence, then detain
me, against my will, without the due process step of a lawyer,
without one last phone call, and keep me there...in a jail or
prison...for eternity...for NO REASON...or
until they can make something up.
WELL...if you are
reading...I AM NOT A TERROIST!!! I am an American citizen who gets
nauseous thinking about how stupid 52% of the voting population is to have
voted this nitwit into office. I get furious when someone can look me in
the eyes today and say that their vote for G.W. was the right thing to
do. I get mad, as an individual who is protected under the rights of the
First Amendment, that my government could do horrible things to me because I
choose to exercise that right.
Anyhow...before I
get into anymore terrible...GOODNIGHT!!!
9/5/2005
HOW MANY MORE BABIES MUST DIE?
Impeach Bush. Get rid of every idiot he helped put into
some office. How could something get as bad as New Orlean's got this
week? People dieing on the streets. In a huge SUPERDOME, rapes,
murders, starvation, feces everywhere...the had a room at the convention center
with the bodies of all the babies who died there!!!!
I admit...I
probably would have went into survival mode and would not have migrated to
places heavily covered with people. I would had found a remote little
area of the city, not under water...broken into a third floor apartment, and
raided every grocery/convenience store/restaurante/pharmacy in a ten block area
for non-perishables and bottled water. Let this be a lesson for all of
us! DO NOT DEPEND ON ANYONE TO HELP IN AN EMERGENCY SITUATION!!!
ESPECIALLY YOUR GOVERNMENT!!! Always keep an emergency $20 to fill up
your car. Stock food and water. Have alternative fuel sources ready
for quick use. Don't run low on medications. And when your friend
Shannon says PLEASE DON"T VOTE FOR SOMEONE>>>>LISTEN!!!!!
7/20/05
It's offical! My
lil' bro Shane will be debuting in the band Anamide @ the Recher Theatre on
Saturday August 27th. Will he make it or break it? Only one way to
find out. SHOW THE FUCK UP!
7/17/05
I'd
like to start by congratulating my lil' bro on his recent achievement. I
am so proud of you. You never could have gotten this if you were with
Ni... well, you know who. (Click here to find out what the hell I am talking
about.)
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory ROCKED!
I am another year older. Why do I feel so good?
I got my tickets to NIN. I get to go to a Tattoo Convention soon. My
youngest daughter broke her thumb. I'm going to have the most memorable
New Year's this year (thankyou Stacy and Linda). God I love
candles. Sex....oh yes, sex. Is Bush still president? Oh
yeah, gas is still climbing in price. Still haven't received my federal
tax return. Lady liberty looks better on me then in some dirty
river. It is one day closer to Christmas then it was yesterday.
6-30-05
I've been slacking on this page, so I
have alot to go over! However, I'm just going to cover two things for
now.
First, on my father's side of the family, there has been
this strange "family curse" for about the past 100 years. Every
first born male in this Utz family line has died by the time, or while, they
were 21. This has been a BIG stresser lately. You see, I have a
little brother. He isn't exactly the safest driver, or purest soul
around. He stands up for himself, and can get into confrontations because
of it. He isn't dangerous, but some of his actions are on the risky
side.
For the past 21 years my mother has worried that her son,
the first and only son by my father, would fall prey to this curse. She
has prayed endlessly. At night, when "something" would wake her
up, she'd call or textmex Shane to make sure he was alright...whereever he may
be.
On Monday, June 27th, my lil' bro' had his 22nd
birthday. I am extremely happy to say, he is still alive.
This may seem stupid to all of you, but when you think of the magnitude
of this! He is the first, first born male in this line of Utz's to live
to see a 22nd birthday, in over 100 years! The curse has ended. He
has cheated death. His son (if he so chooses to have one) will have a
chance!
**Second thing-
At work the other day a lady came up to buy something.
We were talking about her work, and I asked what exactly she did. She
responded "If I tell you, I'll have to kill you", while smiling and
laughing. I made referrence to another customer I have who works with
CIA. I mentioned how he worked directly with the Bush's in the White
House, and how "if only he could tell" the stories and things he
sees. She immediately says, "Oh, I bet he'd have nothing but nice
things to say! He is doing such a wonerful job for our country."
I almost hit her! I wanted to scream and ask if she was
really that stupid! BUT, I am at work, she's about to give me money, so I
hold my tongue and quickly change the subject.
I then noticed on a piece of paper she had handed me that
she was a Senator. A senator from my state! A freakin' republican
piece of shit from my state. A woman, sadly misled, in control,
influencial, but for the wrong team! (Hey, but she's old...so...she'll die
soon, or have to deal with the crap that Prez. Bush calls medicare.)
God! I can not explain my fustration with
politics. A few years ago, I simple didn't care. Now, I have pure
hate! I can't understand how people can think certain ways! It's
ok to pollute, as long as it is providing jobs. Have that baby, someone
else can't. One nation under God. Those people needed us to free
them. Oh, we don't torture our prisoners. ETC., ETC., Fucking
ETC....
Abortion- because of abortion, crime rates are
lower then 20 years ago. Why? Less unwanted children = Less
children who grow up to become criminals. And, if God doesn't want to
give you a baby the natural way, there is probably a reason for it. Maybe
the combination of your genes will create a freak, or a child for a genetic,
life threatening disease, or maybe you would just suck as parents. And
waiting until you are over the hill to start trying? Duh! Why
should women trust adoptions centers to give their babies away! But,
before I go any further and piss someone off...
...one last thing. We train our soliders to be
soliders not babysitters. You put war machines in a room with war
prisoners, they aren't going to be reading them stories and singing them
lullabies!
6-20-05
"Undermine
their pompous authority,
reject their moral standards,
make anarchy and chaos your trademarks,
But never let them take you alive."
-Sid Vicious
You know, a very dear friend of mine drew me a picture almost a decade
ago. It had a funny looking skull head with an elaborate hat on his
head. The letters D O P E were part of the hat's deco. To the side
of the drawing was the quote above. Less than a month later he died from
an overdose. He didn't take too much of anything. He took just
enough of everything. I remember sitting on his grave one night with a
good friend of mine, who was extremely close to him, and bitchin' him out and
cursing ourselves. He even visited my brother and Katie on a Oujia
board.
I just want to say- I miss you Luke. Thanks for
saving my life. Thanks for the good times. Sorry abour you know
what. I think about you often. I hope we'll meet again. You
will always be missed.
6-19-05
Love is a great thing! However, it can be
extremely digusting to watch old people act like school kids, all kissin' and
smoochin' and huggin' and crap.
Oh...it's cute. It gives you this warm fuzzy feeling inside. It
makes the sun seem to shine a lil' brighter. The grass seems to look a
lil' greener.
BUT
ENOUGH OF THIS CRAP...
The real world...gas prices have gone up again in my town. Money is again
"TIGHT" this month. The IRS still owes me around $3,000 for my
tax return, and they say it could be another 2 months until I get it. The
HUD part of the government owes me a little over $1,000 and lord only knows
when I'll see that. My credit card balances climb, but thank god, as long
as you make regular payments, the credit card companies will keep extending
your cresit card limits. Sammy has two doctor appointments this week
alone. Oh boy! More bills to pay. And she needs to have her
Rx's refilled! It is amazing how America works. You only need
enough money to pay the interest due on the amounts you borrow.
I know I'm young, but I feel I will
never get out of this hole. What do other people say? Oh, in 40
years it will all work out. Hell, 40 years of stress, wondering how I'm
going to make it? I can't live like this now! In 40 years...I'll
die of a heart attack before 40 years is up.
Idea...I sell my house, make a huge profit
(because of the housing boom, I could sell for twice as much as I payed), buy a
cabin in Idaho on 300 acres, create my only "religion" and go insane
with nothing "fun" to do. Ok...scratch that...
6-14-05
Home is not where
you live...it is where you belong.
6-12-05
So much
is stuck in this head of mine. Where to start? What to say?
What to keep to myself?
Well, I had a great time last night. A friend of mine
turned 30 and we headed downtown to Power Plant Live in Charm City. Our
first stop...Howl at the Moon. (If you have one near you...go!!!
Get drunk! It's a hoot!) Any place that encourages me to drink and
sing along is a great place in my book! So many people came to this
gathering. Some I hadn't seen in 3, 4, 5 years! God it was
refreshing! After 11pm, maybe near midnight, we headed over to Have A
Nice Day Cafe. I can't say I enjoy it there, but it is a great place to
dance to music that you hadn't heard since high school...or even before
that. Thankgod most cheesy hip hop songs in the early 90's put the year
their song was made in the lyrics...gives me great laughs to think where I was
when it came out. But when you've had a few drinks, anything with a beat
can sound good. I'm thankful their were no video cameras, my dancing
probably would have been hilarious on the playback.
I am so glad I never became an alcoholic. Yes, as most
who know me know, I was a drug addict, but my family was blessed with low
alcohol tolerance. I mean, I can physically handle 3-5 drinks if spaced
nicely, all until I lay down. Why does it make my bed feel like it is on
a Merry-Go-Round traveling 100 mph? And now that I am getting older,
things that go round, and round, and round, and round, make me revisit every
recently semi-digested habitant of my stomach. I guess I should be happy
with this effect. It keeps me limited to social drinking only, and keeps
me a cheap date.
For those who do not know me personally, I am really not
that old. I will be 26 in a few weeks. (God, that is old, isn't
it...) Most of my friends are older then me, but my life has caused me to feel
aged. Heroin addict before my first visit to second base, charged with a
felony by age 16, drug rehab...age 16, pregnant at 16 (busy year...was drug
addict...got clean...changed addictions to sex...and well...became fertal once
I got clean.) Three fiances, a total of two beautiful little girls,
husband, mortgage, an optical shop to manage, 18 bills to pay on a monthly
basis, and more gray hair then my mother (thankgod for haircolor in a bottle.)
It wheres on me. In my head I know who I'd like to be, but when you wake
to a schedule that involves taking your 8 year olds blood sugars, counting her
carbs, regulating her insulin, getting your 3 year old breakfast and Spongebob
on the tube, all while trying to get yourself one step closer to getting to
work.......AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I need an adventure...I need a thrill I've never had
before....I need to revisit myself...
But for now...I think I'll just go hop in the shower...Good
Night...
6-2-05
Friends? I have had many. Now a days, not so
many. I am one of those people who can get along with anyone.
Everyone likes me, at least at first. In a crowd of people, I am the one
everyone wants to know. I am the one people gravitate to. I don't
create enemies. Everyone has a purpose. Everyone has a use. I
may not need them now, but I put people in storage bins for use at a later
date.
One of my best friends these past few years has once again put distance between
us. I don't know her reason from her head, but I have my ideas.
I have made new friends. An old friend returned.
I guess I lose one, I gain one.
Some, I don't know why I keep around.
Some are closer to me then they could ever realize.
Some are not friends, but mere associates.
Some I party with. Some I talk with. Some I love. Some I
cherish. Some I value. Some I respect. Some forgive me (for
things like using bad grammar.)
I know who my real friends are.
BTY: I hate hypocrits. Go ahead, preach your pledge of family
values. Forget who you are. Deny what you have done. Condemn
someone for the misfortune you have to endure. Just remember everything
happens for a reason. You are what you made yourself to be. God can
only save you if you believe in him 100% of the time. Open minded people
who narrow their view end up being just as blind as maggots on a piece of
rotting meat. Click
here for an interesting fact and pic.
5-28-05
When I grow up I want to be
a rockstar!
Well, I'm all grown up and
that never happened. Sometimes I think I should have let the producers
change me into a pretty techno freak just so I could have experienced touring
and preforming in front a huge non-religious crowds. I've been on stage
in front a crowd of a thousand or so, but not doing my own material, so it
doesn't count.
My little brother has the same dream as me...and he's good...and has nothing to
lose. Lucky him, nothing holding him back. I would love the chance
to turn the hands of time back and take risks with the music industry that I
turned down.
Hell, maybe not! I am who I am. For those who know me, can you see
me being a pop/rave princess... OK you can stop laughing now!
Maybe one day, I'm not giving up on my dream now. I'll hold onto
it. You never know.
5-22-05
Forgive me...I know I will
affend someone.
I just saw that someone I knew died. It really got my head spinning. It's not
that I had any real issues that mattered with him when he was alive. Besides
complaining alot, his attitude was ok. I ran into him at a show a couple of
months ok and he was nice. However, he was the biggest liar I had ever met. His
lies never hurt me in anyway, they actually gave me good laughs behind his
back, but it seemed to me he was trying to be someone he knew he could never
be. I know his older siblings gave him a run for his money, and his parents
were not happy with the choices, or lack of, that he made. Anyhow, deep inside
me, this little voice expects to see him at another show down the road...just
another elaborate lie. But I know it is real. And that makes me feel
guilty. Could I have done anything? Why didn't I comfront him on his
lies? Could that have made him face reality as what it truely is? Would that
have made him less likely to show off and do risky things? Could that have
prevented him from speeding and smashing into a tree?
Probably not...
Maybe so...
Everything happens for a reason...
The reason we may never know...
5-20-05
What happens when the price of gas goes
so I high I can no longer afford to get to work to make the money it takes to
put gas in my car to get to work?
I know....I shouldn't complain. Europe has had to endure high gas prices
for a longgggg time. BUT America is not a place where you can stand in
the middle of a country, throw a stone, and have it land in another
country. This is a big place where driving is not a luxury but a
necessity. I spend an hour on the road to get to work (on good days when
there is no traffic). I have to drive that far in order to make the kind
of money it takes to live where I live. Why not move to the city where I
work? Simple, I CAN'T AFFORD TO LIVE THERE!!! Houses down
there cost twice as much as my house. Yes, I would save money on my
commute, but not enough to make up for a higher mortgage and higher gas
prices. Let us pray for salvation from the pollution Gods. (And the
horsepower Gods to creat hybrids that can actually move.)
5-19-05
What a day to start my
mumblings. Last night I got the opportunity to attend the Nine Inch Nails
concert at the Electric Factory in Philadelphia. First, let me say, I
enjoy how the Electric Factory has private areas for the 21 and over crowd.
*applause applause*
Next on the agenda is the Dresdon Dolls who graciously opened after some
technical difficulties and a little Metallic rendition. Burlesque
stylized entertainment if I must say. Along the lines of Rasputina meets
White Stripes. Dirty little lines, simplistic music structure, and a stage
show that couldn't even keep peeping toms looking. Let me suggest getting
a better lighting guy.
Just so you know how bad I wanted to attend this show, I shelled out $166.00
(including S & H) on eBay to get a ticket. I left work early, made my
way through rush hour traffic in three cities, and stood in line for 45 minutes
before I was able to enter the door. I was told by the band's staff that
Reznor was having a rough week, and that chances for a meeting would be slim-
none if I had anything to drink. After spending his 40th birthday in a
court room, and having to tour sober for the first time, I began to worry that
this concert would not live up to its high ticket price. Fortunately,
during the first song, any doubts I had flew away. My eyes actually
started to water at one point in happiness for him, happiness for me.
They performed Head Like A Hole, Terrible Lie, Hurt, A Warm Place, Sin,
Reptile, Hand That Feeds, Line Begins To Blur, Closer, Starfucker and
others. A great combination of the past 15 years. However, they
only played for a hour and a half. After 5 years, I was personally hoping
for a little more. Then again, I could never get enough.
It is hard to look at him as being closer to my mother in age than
me. Especially with some of the thoughts I've had of him. Ripped,
sweaty, and as depressingly attractive as always, he will remain the
dirty little mystery man, who soothed my pain, reassured me it was okay to
desire, and reminded me that everyone hurts.
In his personal life I wish him the best. As someone who has nine years
of being clean off of drugs, I know how hard it can be. Your entire life
has to be rearranged. Friends, habits, how you go to sleep, how you
love...it all changes. On a selfish note: at least the music is still
good.
I must ask...does anyone else think that Reznor watched alot of porn these past
five years? Meaning, and not admitting that I watch alot of porn, but
most of the opening beats to the songs remind me of porn music.
Fortunately, the music on "With Teeth" does improve within
measures, but in classic NIN style, they are still mostly songs to fuck
to. I will admit, I could probably have sex to the Mr. Rodgers theme
song, but the fore mentioned is much more inspiring.
I had read in an interview somewhere that Reznor may try to marry and create
offspring. If this is his wish, I hope he finds someone who respects and
truely loves him for him. Marriage for the wrong reasons will always come
back to haunt you. As for the kid thing, remember the pain you went
through. A gift of life requires much more gifts of love in return.
I have two beautiful, smart, funny, little girls. I'd be happy to let
them loose on him for a trial run.
Enough for now! They better come back in the fall...
5-8-05
This page is where I will go on
tangents. Keep posted for my insanity.
