I fell in love.
That was what it was.
I know it was love.
I knew it from the burning sensation that filled my veins when I had
lain by his side, and from the empty, longing feeling I had when I was
away. The butterflies that fluttered in
my gut inspired a constant reminder of the passion that we had. No matter how much I talked myself into
ending our romance, one glance at his mystical green eyes and I was back in
love. Although, I can never truly say
that I ever went to far from it in the first place.
I would arrive at his apartment, when my schedule would
allow, and knock quick and loud on the painted beige door. I could always hear his footsteps and the
chime of the beaded curtains from within as he impatiently awaited me from the
other side. As the door would open, it
always seemed whatever care or grief I held inside vanished. One look at his grin, or one sniff of his
scent was all it ever took.
When I entered his flat- that was a bachelor pad if I may
say so, with dishes piled high and dust-bunnies at every baseboard- I entered
into a space and time where only we existed.
No deadlines or bills, worries or stresses, only this incredible,
unexplainable feeling. Our thoughts
were instinct, our movements as one.
Everything was perfect, and beautiful, and sexy, and yet utterly
frightening.
On our first encounter we both agreed that we hated
feeling bound to something. We both
enjoyed our freedom. It was obvious
that the feeling of dependency or of disappointment was frightening to us,
although we would have never admitted it out loud. We enjoyed being cool, self-sufficient individuals. The thought of being tied-down and entangled
in anything was below us.
The sex had a dreamlike quality. With the two of us working our bodies for
the delivery of the ultimate pleasures, we quickly learned each other’s
vulnerable spots. Neither one of us
felt dominated by the other, but instead we both felt subdued to a force
greater then ourselves. We seemed to be
able to lure each other further and deeper into something. What? I still do not know.
It was during this sex that we discovered our great
feelings towards one another. It
started as lust for the carnal act. It
would fill us with ultimate levels of satisfaction while leaving us full of
rage and angst. We seemed to be
fighting some sort of force that was without shape, but retained a size that
was larger then ourselves.
As time moved on we stared grinning during and after our
illicit acts. These grins would arrive
on our sweaty, blushed faces and leave us wondering what was on the mind behind
such a look as that. Once I asked him
what he was thinking and in return I received a three-word phrase that
contained in my mind the dirtiest four-letter word. After replying with a slap that burned like the fires of hell
against his cheek, I wept, for I knew that I felt the same way towards him,
although I would not admit it at this time.
The weeks drew on and the grins became more
frequent. The four-letter word became
welcomed from the others lips like the warm sun on a cold rainy day. We continued to melt into each other’s
lives. Sharing our souls was tremendous
for each of us. To open ourselves like
we were doing would have been unthinkable before this point. It had been unthinkable with every other
partner we had before. Now, with us, it
was different. Now it was becoming
almost second nature. There was no
holding back. We confessed our love to
one another and made promises that there would never be any others to
interfere. Deep down we both realized
that any type of sex besides the kind that we created would seem less then
satisfying. Not even my toys could
please me quite like he could. He was
my ultimate pleasure, my dream come true.
He was everything I wanted and nothing that I didn’t. He was all that I longed for.
Part of my whole soul bearing process was showing him all
the places that had inspired me as I grew to who I had become. There was the mountain lake that I swam in
as a child, the falls hidden in the evergreen forest that I loved to climb on
warm days, and the holy sanctuaries that I both laughed at and cherished for
there relaxing, cleansing qualities. My
favorite of all places was high in the Appalachians, which are just foothills
compared to the other great mountains of world, yet it was still high enough to
be my heaven. A long, hillside road
escorted you out into a graveled parking lot that was considered county
property and bordered state property maintained by the armed forces. At the edge of this lot, which bordered the
edge of the world, was a large pile of rocks surrounding one large settled
bolder. This bolder was High Rock.
On clear days atop High Rock you could not only view the
majestic valley of farmlands and one-horse towns, but you could also look to
the far side of the valley and see the next range of hills. As a child my parents took me to this place
to watch the hang gliders soar over the treetops and down to the plowed
cornfields below. You’d watch them
catch their lives on the breeze, relying on the brightly colored devices to
which they were attached to bring them back to the ground safely.
I remember having dreams where I could jump off that rock
and fly into the open air just the same, only without the help of any such
devices. In my dreams my mind roared
with this energy and drive that left me feeling omnipotent to all the minified
objects that had lain back on the ground, so far below my feet. Now, older and more intone with this life’s
laws of physics, I knew that such a feeling was virtually impossible. Well, almost impossible. For what I felt in my dreams I also felt
from him in the same genuine qualities.
Only these feeling were real.
They remained while I was awake and they lasted an eternity through days
and nights, and months, and maybe they would last through the years as well.
We sat on top of that rock
for the better part of an afternoon, baking in the suns luminary rays. We’d take turns resting our heads on each
other’s laps. In the process of
shifting into different positions we’d join our lips, warm and moist, and
fondle with each other’s forms, to which we knew now by heart.
After a time, I decide to
work myself down to the edge of the rock that had been finished with concrete
to make an unyielding ledge for the hang gliders. I sat there hunched backed with my elbows on my knees, fists resting
on my jaw, and legs gently swaying above the bottom that seemed so far
below. I sat there for what seemed like
a lifetime contemplating all of life’s grand designs and innovations. Then a thought took over my mind for a
moment. It would only take one moment
of forgotten balance to end my life right now.
With a steep drop of about 35 feet, which turned into small ledges and
abrupt diversions that sharply declined for at least another 40 feet, it would
only take one mistake to plummet to death.
I sat alone with the warm summer sky
feeding me joy and life. Behind me sat
the one thing that had filled my life with a new light on my existence. From somewhere below me, in the foliage of
maple trees and underbrush, something seemed to be calling me with its dark,
ambient beauty. It’s words produced
memories of who I was before this amazing change happened in my life. It brought back all the pain of the years
before. All the let downs,
disappointments, and the reoccurrence of broken hearts that caused my heart to
grow cold. As I sat there, enchanted by
the melodic hymns of the thorn bushes, I felt my chest start to freeze over
like the windows in winter being held captive by the midnight frost. I once desired a bumper sticker, one that
would have said “To Save the Planet, Kill the People”. Thing was, there was once a time that if law
enforcement agencies didn’t possess larger weapons then mine, I would have
decided to become more environmentally aware.
What happened to me?
Where I had I gone? All the pain
that was forced on me by life had created a cruel, sadistic woman, and now,
with the presence of this man, I became a soft, fleshy creature with emotions
once again. It was as if I had been
placed in a coma for a time and had just been woken up. I had forgotten all sense of who I had
worked so hard to be. Now, on top of
the world, I started to weep. Tears
streamed down my face as a reminder of the weak unit I had become. As the tears fell from my flustered cheeks
and down to the bottom of the cliff I could hear the thicket laugh at me. Laugh at who I had become. They beckoned for me, throwing enticing
words to try to get me to subdue to what they desired. They tried everything from a resurgence of
memories, to name calling to get me to subdue, hoping that I would give in.
As I sat, feeling on the verge of a tremendous
revolution, or maybe a physiological breakdown, he came and sat down beside me,
trying to see if he could comfort me or find out what caused my sudden mood
change. He was like that, very
comforting and soothing. He could lift
my spirits under the gloomiest of circumstances. His touch was like a muscle soothing medication. It had that
burning, icy feeling that lingered under your skin. It was a healing touch.
As he went to bring his hand
to my cheek, with every little ounce of dignity that my subconscious held, I
grabbed his masculine bicep with my shaking hand and threw him over the edge
with all of my might. There was no way
I could ever escape his love. There was
no way that the conscious part of me would ever want to escape. He was enticing and seductive. He was my soul mate. I had to end, for the person I was, this
creation that changed my focus. After
all, I once had dreams and goals. How
could I ever achieve them with something being around that could hold me
back? All it took was a moment of
forgotten balance.
He
laid there stiff on the marl and shrubs below.
His left leg was resting on a ledge above the rest of his body. His right leg, bent in an unusual direction
at the knee, was scrapped badly by the thorn bushes that greeted him on his
landing. His arms laid by his sides in
the white chalk outline sort of way.
One laid down pointing inward to his finely tuned abdominal
muscles. The other one placed upward
towards his sharp featured face that glistened in the sunlight that streamed
through the leaves of a walnut tree to the southwest of where his body
laid. Under his head rested a swelling
pool of scarlet blood that was being welcomed back into the Earth like the
exhaled Carbon Dioxide that is devoured by the upper canopy of the
forests. His seductive green eyes
remained open and seemed to stare at me in the same way they did just moments
ago. I, at that moment, knew that every
change that had taken place in the past few months of my life was for the
better. That with every kiss he blessed
me with, a sin of mine had been washed away.
I had the great opportunity to experience rebirth in this lifetime. And now, my own personal savior lay dead at
the bottom of my sacred land, in the depths of hell that fell at the feet of my
claimed heaven.
I knew what I had to do, for I knew what I had done was
wrong. My subconscious bitch yelled for
me to run and forget about this horrible event, but her screams were not loud
enough. I searched deep inside for that
cold, heartless bitch, but she seemed to be drowned out by the innocent cries
of a weeping child begging for redemption.
Listening to her cries, I stood to my feet and stared into his eyes one
last time. With my gaze set and my
desire burning, I played out my dream of flying off that rock, and I fell into
love with him one last time.